mommylindsay (mommylindsay) wrote,

Daddy Issues

i'm not really sure if this is a question, or a vent, or both. so i'm just gonna talk.

i have issues with my father. i love him, very much, but he has ripped me apart my entire life and betrayed me over and over. we had come to an okay point in our relationship for a few months, but about a month before i got pregnant, he started up again. at one point when i was about 6 weeks pregnant he was screaming at me until i threw up repeatedly because i was crying so hard, and even then didn't stop. i guess a little back story might help...

my parents dated for 7 years, and then were married for 22. during the course of that time, my dad had affairs with 12 different women. my mother was faithful. when i was 14, he got caught, and admitted to everything. he moved out. my parents had fought for as long as i could remember, mainly because my mom is kind of a slob (as am i) and my dad is an obsessive compulsive neatfreak. i remember as a young child thinking that if my room was clean then maybe Daddy wouldn't yell at me all the time and he would like me.

my entire life i have been made to feel inadequate because i am the sort of person who honestly doesn't care if there are dishes in the sink, mail on the counter, and some dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. i have been made to feel that i am a subhuman, not worthy of anything, because i don't view cleanliness the same way that he does.

he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder a few years back (and immediately stopped going to the therapist because she didn't agree that he was right and the rest of the world was wrong, about everything). He is convinced that no ones feelings matter but his own.

my parents have stayed legally married because my mom will lose her health insurance when they divorce. for a while he helped pay the bills, and now, he will occasionally when things are short (my mom earns 1200 dollars a month TOTAL and our house payment is 1150 a month. never mind utilities, groceries, gas, etc.). But he holds it over our heads, particularly mine. when i was 17, i called him because it had started to snow (i live in Michigan) and i didn't have tennis shoes, all i had were a pair of flip flops. he told me that for him to buy me a pair of winter shoes i would have to do 10 hours worth of work around the house and yard first and all jobs would have to be done to "his satisfaction", meaning you can eat beans off the floor. Before he would buy me a pair of shoes. mind you, i was still in school full time at this point, plus extra curriculars, meaning that i would have to walk to my bus stop several more days in the snow before getting shoes. because according to him, he refuses to spend money on me until i "learn my lesson about living like a pig".

so here's my question/issue/point/whatever... i'm having trouble deciding what role i want him in my childs life. mind you, he's only 54, but he's had 11 heart attacks and was given only a few years left to live. but i'm torn, because this man has hurt me so much my whole life, has completely undermined my self esteem, and stole my innocence so completely... i'm torn between wanting to be a part of his life and let him be around his grandchild for the few years he has left, to being scared that he'll live long enough to hurt my child the way he hurt me.

in a way, i still feel like i need to defend him... its hard to look at someone you love and see both who they are and who they could have been. this is the man who was so excited to have a daughter that he wouldn't let anyone else hold me for hours. this is the guy who sang Surfer Girl to my mom's stomach when she was pregnant with me, and despite working close to 100 hours a week when i was little, came to every play and recital and concert without fail.

today we just... he took me to get ice cream, and everything was fine. and then i asked if i could have 30 bucks because i need to refill my prescription of prenatal vitamins like NOW and my mom literally doesn't have enough to put gas in her car to get to work, and Jason's car broke down 3 times in the last 2 weeks. i hate asking him but i had no one else to ask, and honestly, its always seemed to me like that's what families do... you help each other out when things are tough. instead i got a screaming lecture about how Jason needs to take care of what HE did (mind you, this guy is working 45 hours a week and going to school like 30 hours a week so he won't be working at a grocery store the rest of his life). it's not like he's irresponsible with his money or anything. but this car is nickel and diming him and i'm laid off right now...

he just lit into me and screamed and screamed and screamed and i was trying to defend Jason and he was saying that i should ask my friends for money to pay for it. like my friends have a responsibility to pay for this... he MADE me for crying out loud, and makes 65 grand a year and has NO bills. he lives with his mother and pays no rent, no utilities, buys groceries once in a blue moon, owns both his vehicles so he's not making payments... he has a cellphone bill to pay and thats about it. and yet when i asked for 30 bucks to get a prescription he can't help me out. i even told him i'd pay him back.

i'm sorry, i know this hasn't been very pregnancy related.... i just hate that every time i see him i leave sobbing and angry and i hate knowing that my baby is feeling all those emotions. and i hate loving someone so much for what he could be and constantly being torn down by what he is.

Thanks for being there to listen. any advice would be great.

~Lindsay and 'The Bean'~
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