mommylindsay (mommylindsay) wrote,

29 weeks 3 days

10 1/2 weeks to go. That feels like NOTHING. like... seconds away.

At the same time it feels like years.

I keep getting scared something's going to be wrong... even though every test came up great and everything... i just love this little guy so much and I couldn't live with something happening to him.

Someone Jason knows from work is pregnant too, and she just found out that her baby is only going to have one hand. I hear stuff like that and I think "how, before becoming pregnant, did I never realize just how scary making a person is?"

I never had any idea what it was like to feel this sick with worry.

I knew a lot about pregnancy in the clinical sense. I knew about symptoms and hormones, tests, prenatal care, and fetal development. I knew more than most, just because I'm such an information junkie. But I never knew how my stomach would clench at the thought of something happening to this little boy. I never knew how scared I would be of losing him. I never knew how I would feel whenever I heard about someone's child being hurt, kidnapped, going through surgery, having a genetic disorder, or even dying... i never knew that i could ache like it was my own son, and grab my stomach and silently beg God to be merciful.

This is the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Not because of childbirth, or knowing that my life is never going to be the same, or fearing what will happen financially, or any of that. It's the scariest because my heart is going to go walking around outside my body forever and all I can do is hope that I raise him well and that God and fate will be merciful and not take him from me.

I never knew love could feel like this. I haven't even held him yet and I would already die for him. And it's funny because I'd heard women say things like that and thought "well yeah, I know" but I didn't. No one knows. Not until they get there for themselves and realize just how scary a place this world is, and that it's my God given responsibility to protect him and prepare him for all of that.

I hope that someday he'll think I did a good job.

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